The Tragic Case of Achoo Meowsi
by 46 Husbands Later
Summary: This is a story about the troubles of a cat who has to live through the insanity of being the Cullens pet. WARNING: This is a story about a cat.


_**I do not own Twilight! :))**_

Once upon a time there was this kitten. An innocent little creature made by none other than God himself.

This marvelous kitten was just strolling along one day when all of a sudden, he was ambushed!

"What an adorable baby cat! Jasper, can we keep him, please?" The kitten was frightened at the high-pitched noise coming from this…. person's mouth.

"Alice, I don't think that is such a good idea. We are vampires; we don't want to accidently eat it_." Dear Lord, please don't let these people eat me! _The cat thought.

"Come on Jazzy, we won't eat him! How could we? He is just too adorable." The cat assumed, Alice, explained to Jasper.

"I don't think the rest of the family will like this idea, but I guess it's alright with me." Jasper still looked unsure though.

"Thank you Jazz!" The sound coming from this so called vampire's mouth was about to make the kitten's ear explode.

With so much grace, the small kitten was scooped into the arms of Alice Cullen, where he is now being carried against its will to apparently meet his new family.

The car ride there was interesting to say the least.

Alice was trying to come up with a name for our new feline friend. Many names were thrown around including the following: Sparkles, Prince Puddingdale, Leonardo Di Catprio, Mr. Fluffingkins, and George.

The poor kitten despised all of those possibilities. He already had a name, one his mother already gave him. He would tell his new humans, but alas, he is just a cat and therefore he cannot talk.

Jasper was being a smart man and not commenting on how terrible the names were that his beloved wife is coming up with. He stayed quiet in the front seat and just stared ahead at the road.

A very loud shriek was sounded in the passenger seat next to him. It seems that Alice had come up with a perfect name for their new pet.

"I've got it!" she yelled, "His name will be Achoo Meowsi!"

"What a wonderful name, babe." Jasper lied.

Achoo Meowsi shuddered at his new name. He really wants to die right now. In his mind, dying a slow painful death sounds much better than being called Achoo Meowsi for the rest of his kitty life.

When the three of them arrived home, they were instantly greeted by their family at the front door.

"Err Alice, why do you have a cat?" asked a confused Emmett.

"Well Jazzy and I were just taking a quick drive to the store when we saw a poor little Achoo Meowsi walking all by himself, and so we decided that we needed to give him a home."

"His name is Achoo Meowsi?" Edward asked slowly.

"Of course it is, Edward. Why, do you think it's a bad name?" Alice challenged Edward to continue talking by narrowing her eyes towards him.

"Of course not, Ali. It's a perfect name for this little guy." Edward stated quickly.

"I think it's stupid." stated Rosalie.

"Is it now?" Alice taunted, a growl threatening to erupt out of her.

"Uh yeah, it is."

"Jasper, take Achoo Meowsi." Jasper quickly took the poor creature from Alice as she launched herself at Rosalie.

The two girls battled it out, while the three guys and Esme were watching the fight play out in front of them.

Esme, who was being unusually quiet, stared at the cat with a hungry look in her eye.

With her vampire speed, she snatched Achoo Meowsi from Jasper's arms, and then proceeded to drink him dry.

Every stopped what they were doing to stare at Esme with baffled expressions.

"Hey everybody, I'm home." Said Carlisle as he entered the house, "Work was slow today so I thought I would surprise you by coming home early…."

He trailed of as he stared at the scene in front of him. The girls were still a tangled ball on the floor, the boys were in a corners staring wide eyed at Esme, who was holding a little cat carcass in her hands.

"What is going on here?" asked Carlisle.

"I'll tell you what's going on!" exclaimed Esme who has recovered from her hungry state. She started to sing," I love cats; I love every kind of cat. I just want to hug all of them, but I can't. I can't hug every cat."

"Okay, who brought the cat home? Everyone should know Esme's issues with them." stated Carlisle.

"I did." muttered Alice.

"Well now you have to plan a kitty funeral. What was the poor guy's name?"

"Achoo Meowsi…"Alice trailed off.

"I'm going upstairs."

"We are gathered here today on behalf of poor Achoo Meowsi." The priest started," He was a very much loved cat who came to such a tragic end. He will be missed by all of the Cullen's, especially Esme."

Esme was dry sobbing into Carlisle's shoulder.

"Don't worry Esme, it will be okay."

She began singing again," I think about how many don't have a home, and how I should have them. I think about how cute they are with their ears, their whiskers, and their nose. I just love them, and I and I want them to be in a basket and with little bowties. I just love them, and I want them to be on a rainbow and in my bed, and to roll around."

"That's nice, Esme."

That my dear friends was the tragic case of poor Achoo Meowsi, who is now burning in the fiery pits of kitty hell. Don't ask, he did some bad cat things in his past….

FIN

_**AN: I swear, I don't know where I come up with this stuff. It just comes to me.**_

_**Please review! Not for me, but for poor Achoo Meowsi! He needs all the help he can get.**_


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